Thoughts from the road

Real moment. In the ways I used to think, in terms of my legalistic, old way of thinking, I am getting worse. I curse more, cry more, drink more, post less ‘Christiany’ quotes, and wonder what the heck I’m doing with my life and why in the world could there possibly be so much pain in this world and ask ‘why, God??’ and 'I don’t understand!’ and “what is the deal!?’ more. (just being honest). In my old ways of thinking, I’ve certainly strayed off the path that leads to righteousness. But in the ways of grace, I am learning that I am becoming whole. The shallow has vanished and all that has been left is the deep anguish of my soul and hallelujah, I can finally be real - I am broken too. For all the anger and confusion and sadness I’ve found in the world, I’ve also learned that loving Jesus is not about becoming good or climbing a metaphorical ladder to purity within the Christian life. My pious, devoted, "good” ways were tainted with a subconscious, subtle striving, a need to please, a need to portray that the standard of a good Christian could be achieved and that my brokenness could be mended by my inner strength. I was left wrecked, having given more than I had, in debt to myself and hopeless that my striving was me running around in a circle. 

Then grace came and I was allowed to be vulnerable and too much and not enough and allowed to have a lack and thus allowed to be free. And I feel loved by him. I could weep with the authenticity I can say that with that I could never have understood before. I am not better than I was, but I feel so utterly loved by Jesus that I don’t care anymore. I feel like I actually, genuinely can love others. Because brokenness never goes away and pain exists in the worst way and we never get better in the shallow sense of the word, but we, hand in hand, go deeper into Jesus’ grace. A grace that acknowledges the darkness of life, and how it can really just suck…but a grace that also redeems all things, that mends the brokenness and gives hope and love in the midst. I feel like, even in my whys and confusion and sin, this whole thing makes sense. Pain and anger and sadness and joy and everything that has happened to my family and to me and to everyone makes sense in the light of the cross and grace is all there is. Jesus loves me, this I know and it’s finally all I know and that simplicity brings such peace.