calm.

drowning. the icy blue is calm and lonely and hurts my heart. they say it’s the most peaceful way to die and i believe it. it is silence and sound all at once. every memory dances to me across the salty sea and i am visited by friends. gold creatures hug my legs and pull me down, down, down. your voice whispers to me and i decide that if i could have anything fill my lungs over and over again, it would be you. and i pretend the water is you. and i drink you. i feel you. i hear you. you hold my hand as i dance with the waves. you kiss me through ripples and currents. down into the depths and all i see is quiet. and then you whisper to me. your invisible mouth brushes my lips and asks me to choose. choose between the floods of peace and the chaos of you. i choose you. i choose you. i choose you. the water tempts me back to the grave of pirate ships and worlds of sunken nations, mermaids long forgotten, but i cannot go, not if i never hear your heart beat again. and so i fight. i choose chaos and not peace, and i know it’s right. my feet kick the sleepy tentacles of water and my hands search for you. you guide them upwards. and then the lonely peace breaks. the expanse of blue serenity ends and my hands feel cold air. they feel pain and hurt and tears and the noise of life is deafening. my stomach doubles over with shock. my lungs seize up and panic. strong hands pull me into a fisherman’s boat. i am lost. i am found. i found peace. but i chose you. i ride toward the shore and i choose you. again. and again. and again. and again.